Learning to see Myself Clearly

Sunrise over Gilad Mountains in Jordan

Today I stood in front of my friend’s cupboard.

Everything was folded perfectly. Neat. Calm. In order.

And instantly, in my mind, I saw my own cupboard. Clothes pushed in. Overflowing. Messy.

And in that moment, I felt it again. That familiar feeling.

The feeling of failure.

Why can’t I be like that? Why can’t I keep my cupboards tidy? What’s wrong with me?

I’ve always wanted a tidy home. Order. Systems. Calm.

But even something as simple as fixing a cupboard feels huge. Reaching out to a tradesman, getting a quote, making a decision. It doesn’t just feel like a task. It feels heavy.

Today, now that I understand my ADHD, I realise that it’s overwhelm. I was only diagnosed with ADHD four years ago.

For most of my life, I blamed myself. I believed I was the problem.

I had no idea there were so many others experiencing the same things.

I thought this was a flaw in me.

When I look back at my life, I see it everywhere.

Starting projects and not finishing them. Forgetting tasks if they aren’t written down. School was tough. I couldn’t sit still. I was called an attention seeker and was always getting into trouble.

For years, I thought I was incapable. I was told by teachers that I wouldn’t amount to much. I achieved average grades.I hated parents’ evening. I felt like a failure every single time.

Not only did I believe it, I let it define what I thought was possible for me.

It became my identity.

For decades, I carried those beliefs as facts.

Not because they were true, but because they were repeated enough that I stopped questioning them.

I have carried an identity with me for 40 years that doesn’t belong to me.

And now, I choose to see the real me.

For the first time in my life, I choose to see who I actually am.

Not who I was told I was. Not who I assumed I was.

But who I really am.

And I believe it.

That changes everything.

It feels like putting down a weight I didn’t even realise I’d been carrying for 40 years.

But here’s the thing.

Letting go of those beliefs is one moment.

Changing the patterns built on them is a journey.

Some thoughts are so automatic, so deeply wired, that I don’t even notice them unless I slow down and pay attention.

So now, I practice noticing.

Now I’m able to see and understand my actions and behaviours, not as failures, but as responses.

And something new is happening.

I’m choosing to see my worth. I’m choosing to see my strengths. I’m choosing to recognise the good I bring into the world.

I’m also beginning to understand something important about ADHD.

It’s not just about distraction or mess or unfinished tasks.

It’s about overwhelm.

The kind that makes simple things feel impossible. The kind that gets misunderstood as laziness or lack of effort.

The kind I misunderstood in myself for most of my life.

And there’s something else I’m beginning to see.

Not everything about my ADHD needs fixing.

Some of it is part of what makes me, my own unique and authentic self.

I love my impulsivity, even if it has landed me in trouble more times than I can count. It has also given me experiences, lessons, and moments I would never have experienced otherwise.

I love my creativity, even if I denied it for years.

I love that I can see beauty in the small things. The things others might miss.

And recently, I had another realisation.

Working to overcome my ADHD feels a lot like the idea of presuming competence.

It means choosing to believe in ability, even when it’s not consistently visible yet.

I’m learning to extend that same belief toward myself.

Not waiting until everything is organised. Not waiting until I “prove” it.

But starting now.

I’m not becoming someone new.

I’m choosing to see myself clearly for the first time.

And maybe that’s where real change begins.