Love Needs to be Presumed Too...

I’ve written a lot about the voice I discovered in my son Asaf , a voice that rises from silence, from typing, from the inner world he couldn't share for 24 years. But there’s another voice that’s still barely heard: The voice of the heart. Is love only allowed if you speak? Is falling in love only legitimate if you can say “I love you” out loud? If you can’t speak, does that mean you don’t long for connection, affection, a relationship? As a mother to a nonspeaking son, I can say without hesitation : yes, yes, and yes again. Asaf, like any other human being, dreams of connection and love built on understanding, communication, and presence. Even if he can’t say it aloud, he writes it clearly, with honesty, insight, and feeling. But the world is not quick to recognize this as real. We’ve grown used to seeing nonspeaking people as eternal children, asexual, without desires or the ability for emotional relationships. We’ve gotten used to assuming they have limited understanding, and that they’re “not really there” emotionally. That’s a lie. A painful, harmful, and dehumanizing one. Since Asaf began typing, I keep discovering more and more emotional depth, pain, loneliness and a real yearning for connection. And he’s not alone. I know other incredible people who don’t speak; who communicate by typing, on iPads, or communication boards and they feel exactly the same. They want love. They deserve love. They are capable of loving and maybe we still have a lot to learn about how love can look when words aren’t spoken. Why are there no dating groups, meet-ups, or even adapted apps for people who communicate differently? Why is the sexuality of nonspeaking individuals still such a taboo?Why has no one taught them , or us, how to create a relationship when it involves typing, waiting, patience, and mediation? If we don’t start talking about it, acknowledging it, demanding it, it won’t happen. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned since we discovered Asaf’s voice, it’s this:  Change starts by daring to tell the story. One day, in a conversation with Asaf, Naama asked him what kinds of topics he would want to explore. He typed: To explore relationships between special people who succeeded.

I was totally blown away. I admit, I’d never even considered that Asaf would desire a partner, companionship, and love. It wasn’t something I thought about, because I didn’t think it was possible. Reading those words was a reminder to myself: presume competence. Always. A couple of weeks later, when discussing the issue with his friends, he wrote:

“I will ask my mom to dedicate a blog post so more parents will help us find love.” I read that, and was stunned. Such awareness. Such clarity. Such a grounded, purposeful wish. And he's asking me to help him make it happen. I was humbled. He doesn’t just want it. He’s trying to make it happen. He understands his reality. He’s focused on a goal. And he recruited me, too. I have to admit, until not long ago, the idea of Asaf being in a romantic relationship, loving someone else, wasn’t even in my lexicon. How would that even be possible, with such a severe disability? But when I realized that I could, and should, presume competence here, too.

 I asked myself: What does a relationship mean to him? Maybe it’s just sharing space with someone. Maybe it’s something else entirely. I still don’t know. But I’m sure he’ll tell us, through typing, what relationships means to him. And I’m sure love in some form, physical, emotional, or otherwise will be part of the answer. His awareness, his determination to find a way, his creativity, all move me deeply. So I recently created a unique hiking group for families of nonspeaking individuals. To make space for encounters, for connection, and maybe, hopefully, someday, even for love. I dream that one day there will be a supportive community, a social space, maybe even a dedicated platform where nonspeaking people can meet. That they’ll be seen as whole people , not just as individuals with disabilities but as men and women with open hearts, desires, and the potential for deep, beautiful love. And most of all, that we’ll all learn to presume competence in the heart, too.